Life of tiny balls in a enclosed box

This world is like a enclosed box ,with a tiny hole in it.Lots of little colored balls are inside it. Some one shakes the box all the time trying to get those balls out, and the tiny little balls move around rapidly , randomly with few going out through the exit all the time.

Some balls get out early and some others stay for longer , but eventually all gets out.

The areas touched by balls could be the same , could be different , but a better probability is that more balls get to touch the same areas .Of course there are a few balls which get to touch that tiny corner which most others don't.

Every ball is colored differently, but each ball feels the color of others are better.

Balls try to understand the process of movement and get into a channel which could take them to softer patches , and avoid going out through the tiny hole. However ,no calculation ever works perfectly as these balls have no control over the hand which shakes the box.

The question is , does the hand itself know what is happening inside the box ? Does the hand have any priorities ? Or it just want to get everything out ? Question is unanswered till date.

One thing is for sure , all the balls will go out one day. And the box will be refilled with something else , something the hand wants to put in, or may be , the box itself would be thrown away.

Haunted by broken dreams

# Wanted to live in a foreign country (not middle east).

# Wanted to be with female friends all around me, having fun and partying.

# Never wanted to be in a relationship.

None of the above worked for me. I am haunted by this, always , and i think these are the reasons why i am not happy at all.

The first one was never pursued becoz my brain told me that this is where i have a future. And also , did not have enough money.

Second one never worked out with me. I coould not cheat , i could not take sex easy , and thus I could not sleep with many women., i feel like a loser.

Third one , i dont know why it happened. I dont even know if i am in love. But i care for her , i wants her to be happy, i dont like her compromising anything for me, i just cant make her sad.

The bottom line is that i dont know how i can make myself happy. Tried so many different things in life , even now i am trying my level best to 'understand others' , 'understand that life is like this' ,'understand that no one is happy' , 'understand that its all mind games' ... whatever the fuck , i am not happy ,and thats it.

Fucking hell .. those dreams of mine will never be achieved. Those were the things one can do when they are young... and im over that age...

Anyways , forget it .. life has to move on . Atleast i will try my level best to contribute something to this world . May be my dreams did not work out , but i will try to make others come true , and try to find pleasure in watching them...

Being jealous , and being sick about it.

Its about 6 AM on a cold friday morning in Chennai.I have not properly slept for past 36 hours or so. This night , i was working. Sitting in my office , with about 100 cubicles around me , all empty. Nothing else , other than me and the desktop with two monitors. Atleast there were two monitors . I consider them as my companions.., "i ain't alone" ,i proudly say to the reflection on the window panels.

I came back home at about 5 , as i felt i needed some sleep. Rolled over in bed, could not get sleep.Tried to cry ,tears dont come out. Fuck , i cant even cry..(well, its been so for a long time now) .. And here i am , this is the only place i can escape to , whenever i am in trouble., my writing desk, and my wonderful blog , which i am so glad that no one is reading , so that i can write freely in here , more or less like my diary.

Any one want to know why i was trying to cry ? Yeah , partially because i was not able to sleep, but more because i feel so bloody low. I talked to this person who is one of the most important people of my life , some one whom i love so much, and hate as well. The hate factor is actually being built from my 'feeling low' state ., and the other way , some sort of a vicious circle it forms by itself.

After ages of accusing that person for my own pathetic being , i am starting to realise that the real problem lies within me , and not her(ok,i have given away the gender suspense of my character). It all comes down to one simple word , 'Jealousy'. I am so fucking jealous of the life that she has.,and i feel so terrible about the life that i have. I have listened to you all, i have tried to understand that everyone would feel so.. i have told to myself a 100 thousand time that , "you are doing good".

But ., i am sorry., i am just not able to convince myself. I have tried to show off to everyone how wonderful i am. I have a decent job , i earn well , i take care of my mother, i am being a good brother , great at work , gets appreciation from managers and colleagues , runs a small business of my own, has made a short film, writes decently ., and so on. But even when i say this , to which everyone , including her,accepts , but yet on the back of my mind , i know that i am not living the life that she is. She may not have any of which mentioned above , but she lives with friends., she lives in Europe(a place which i have always dreamt of being to) , and she parties every week. All that she bothers is about shopping , meeting and partying with friends , trips and so on. Lets take the 'she' off here , as i feel i am blaming her , and lets make it 'they' . Now , if you look at them , they all have a international degree as well , and would obviously end up in a high profile job. Ok , the toughness of getting job and all that crap would be there , but at the end of the day , they would all end up having same or better salary than me.Where as , i have struggled to reach here. I mean , i studied in India, in a engineering college , with a educational loan , where i had to struggle day in and day out , living the ordinary life of any other mid-level college student.I had my own share of fun , but it was nothing like this.One major mistake , one simple yet big mistake that i made on those days , which i feel has turned around my life from good-bad , was the fact that i did not take my campus interviews seriously. One mistake , and it took me about 3 years to recover my life from that single simple mistake.

While i say all this , let me make one more thing clear. If Gods are reading this , please skip. I am very glad about what you have given me from time to time. Good health , good family , good friends , good job , everything.The problem i have has got nothing to do with Gods ., and i sincerely hope that they would forgive me for this sick jealousy that i have developed. Not just Gods , i cant blame anyone . I dont want others, whom i am jealous of., to do bad , i want all to be happy , but still i am so sad that i dont have the happiness that they have.

The way they live , is what i wanted. Living in Europe with guys and gals together , studying in super good college with little work , partying and having fun , and once it ends , get a good job , and settle with family.

So why didnt it happen for me like that ? I am 26 now , and i am almost out of my 'young' ages. These things will not happen to me ever again , i have missed the chance , and it makes me feel more sick.

May be because of the choices i made in life. I always wanted to do everything by my own. And thank God, i have achieved things., but never made it to the heights i wanted.i thought of staying away and being focussed on my career and future , and here i am , at the verge of being an uncle , and looking pathetically back at a young age which could have been well used and enjoyed . What have i gained by being planned and being dedicated and hard working ? What have i gained by taking the tough route than the easy one ? Nothing ! No fucking thing !!

I have lived a tough life , a very tough one where nothing came easy for me. I had to struggle and earn each and everything that i have today. I hate to see others who get it easy. One big question that looms over me day in and day out is "When i have worked harder , better than others .., why do they have a better life than me ?"

However , i have decided to stop whining. It is just making me look even more pathetic. I am going to accept the small life i had/have , and enjoy it to the level best.I know i would never get the life that they are living , but there is nothing much i can do about it now.It was all my decisions/priorities that took me here. I would work hard , and i may achieve something when i am old and ugly , but that i dont think will replace the young life that i have lost.

Thanks to my blog , i feel better now. I hope no one reads this , because i am not sure how people would interpret this. Even if one of you from 'them' reads this , please understand that even though i am jealous of what you have , i would only pray for you to be happy , and wish you to have that forever .

Random lines , will be a poetry one day

I don't know what is that revolves around others , but definitely , my world revolves around you ...

May be technically wrong , but you are definitely the most beautiful girl in the world...

I was always afraid of singing , but now i know i can even sing in Hindi ,and its definitely coz of you ...

I think i know my problem

Yes , that is correct . I thought about it , in clear mind.

I am someone who has always been driven by my brain . I mean , there is hardly anything that i does without thinking about it . Not just thinking , i think a LOT for every small thing. I want to make sure it will be successful , beneficial and worth my time before i do it . This has helped me in being a better planned for future , but at the same time , i think i am losing my life. Or in other words ,i am being too old for myself.

For everything that i do , i make this analysis - Whether i have materialistic gain or just personal happiness . Most often , i give the primary importance to the task which gives me materisalistic benefits, sacrificing my happiness.

Remember i keep yelling about not being able to write anything ? This is the reason .I can write only from my heart , and not from my brain. But when the latter is in control all the time , how could i write a sentance ?


I am not trying to say that i am miserable , not at all . I have a comfortable,healthy life and i thank the almighty for that . But if you ask me if i am enjoying my life , the way a young man should , i dont know . I am seeing a girl, i have friends , i am planning to buy a car .. Thats nice , isnt it ?

But hold on , there is another side to this ., the girl i am seeing is not near to me , my friends are not really rocking as such , Chennai is not truly a happening place , and i presently dont have a car . Get the drift ?

Again , thinking about it , i realise what my solution can be .. Its just that i need to be happy with what i have , and understand that there are worser people around me . Yes , thats what i need to do .I need to understand that not everyone gets everything , may be this is what i am not supposed to get . And i am fine with it , and very happy for others who have it :)

Love life nostalgia

I am caught in nostalgia today. Love life is the best when it comes to thinking about the past.

I remember this girl from 5th standard.I don't really remember her name or her face , but she definitely fall in to the one of my earliest love interests. She was fair , and..., and that's it. I changed school the next year , and i forgot her.

Then i think i had plenty of love interests. As a matter of fact , i was in love with almost every girl , or rather , i expected at least one of them to have a crush on me.But it never happened , i think they were also thinking the same way. I did flirt even those days, and i am sure many of the girls loved that. But nothing really important happened.I remember a rumor that one of the bad looking girls were in love with me , but there was no proper evidence for that and i was not interested in verifying.

Probably somewhere in 12th standard, is where she would have come. I was dying to flirt those days , but did not really have great chances with a strict and traditional school in Kerala. And then she was there - fair , hot and cute new comer of 11th.I made a bet with my friends on her , and thus it happened. I thought she would not give a damn about me , and would be surrounded by plenty of guys .But it was not so , and it was easy for me.

She had a card shop , which was quite near to my house. I went there once , twice , and i think that did it.I kept it as a secret to my friends , and agreed that i lost the bet.

One day she came to my house and i served her grape juice .This incident broke out in school , and several friends kissed me as they thought she kissed me. I felt like a hero !

And then it happened ,I kissed for the first time in my life. I also did several other things for the first time in my life.

Did i love her ? I don't know , but i am sure neither of us really did knew what the meaning of love is. No one knows , at 18 . It is just a fantasy , a beautiful fantasy(which should happen to everyone). And i am sure we lived in that fantasy ,for 2-3 years. I even went up to the limit of telling both our parents that i wanted to marry her. There had been lot of problems , very much like a movie story, rich girl , big family , threats , and the climax.

The climax is a bit different in this story though . We both moved to Coimbatore for college and then we started to experience a new world of freedom and friends. Frustration kept on piling up inside me about the relationship.I did not like the way she lived and neither did she like mine.I really wanted to break the shackles and live a free life but my 'commitment' did not let me do it.

And thus it happened , one day , she called me and told me that its over. I agreed. We decided to part ways. I felt relieved.

After a week or so , i bought a present for her birthday and called her. It was switched off.

Tried home , friends and every one . No news.

After a few months after her disappearance , i learned that she has ran away with someone .I met her brother whom i thought hated me , but then realised was a fine person. He explained whatever he knew and we decided to do a search for her.

Did i pursue the search for the girl who left me ? No . By that time , i also had left her , and i was sure enjoying my freedom. I started doping and drinking , and many a time blamed it on her , which i now realize was just an excuse.

I loved the fact that i could now sleep with any women, and decided never to fall in love again. My 'sleeping with several women' stories are there in my previous posts. Check it out if you are ready to 'lol' at me.

And thus it ended , my first love. It was followed up with several other 'flings' or short term assignments. My primary requirement was sex ,with some romancing and a little bit of sharing.I always made sure whenever it was about to get serious ,put an end to it and run away from it.

Frankly , i was scared to fall in love.

Then , recently , i decided to change .Is it because i fell heads over heals in love with someone? Is it because love happens to every one ? No , i don't think so . I dont think i am in love even now. But yes ,things have changed. I sometimes wonder if this is yet another practical adjustment that i have made to my life. I am finding it so tough to accept this new phase , but still holding on .

Tired of writing , let 'what happened to me recently' be a surprise , which i will try to cover in another post.

Recreating Magic , can i ?

Couple of years back , when i was in Cochin , Mom got a transfer and i ended being alone at home. I have never known what it was like to be alone till then , but when i got a taste of it , i loved it.

I had everything i wanted , my own space , TV , Internet , kitchen , bike , everything , just for me. No one to bother , no one to watch . I could dance when i want , i could make my own schedules , i could write in peace. Wow !!

Eventually i moved to Chennai , with my friends. I would not say i did'nt enjoy it., but then i always used to cherish those memories of being alone. I would always tell my room mates how wonderful it is to be alone , and they thought i was crazy. But i kept a secret promise to myself to move as soon as i have chance and money.

And thus it happened, i moved last month . Small , neat house. I made sure i had everything like earlier , i wanted to recreate that magic . Even my new job matched my desires , i mostly work on single shifts, where i get to see no one .

I should be loving this , but am i ? What is bothering me now ? Did i get used to being in company ? Is it unnecessary tensions of the career and future ? Is it the girl ?

I want to recreate that magic . I want to be so free .., me and the world , all alone ... I want to write beautiful stories. I want to read them again and again , and fall in love with them , and then hate them. I want to study networking , i want to drink listening to soft music, send smokes towards the skies. I want to swim , i want to love people around me .I want to cook , and eat it all by myself ...

Will i recreate the magic?