Its about 6 AM on a cold friday morning in Chennai.I have not properly slept for past 36 hours or so. This night , i was working. Sitting in my office , with about 100 cubicles around me , all empty. Nothing else , other than me and the desktop with two monitors. Atleast there were two monitors . I consider them as my companions.., "i ain't alone" ,i proudly say to the reflection on the window panels.
I came back home at about 5 , as i felt i needed some sleep. Rolled over in bed, could not get sleep.Tried to cry ,tears dont come out. Fuck , i cant even cry..(well, its been so for a long time now) .. And here i am , this is the only place i can escape to , whenever i am in trouble., my writing desk, and my wonderful blog , which i am so glad that no one is reading , so that i can write freely in here , more or less like my diary.
Any one want to know why i was trying to cry ? Yeah , partially because i was not able to sleep, but more because i feel so bloody low. I talked to this person who is one of the most important people of my life , some one whom i love so much, and hate as well. The hate factor is actually being built from my 'feeling low' state ., and the other way , some sort of a vicious circle it forms by itself.
After ages of accusing that person for my own pathetic being , i am starting to realise that the real problem lies within me , and not her(ok,i have given away the gender suspense of my character). It all comes down to one simple word , 'Jealousy'. I am so fucking jealous of the life that she has.,and i feel so terrible about the life that i have. I have listened to you all, i have tried to understand that everyone would feel so.. i have told to myself a 100 thousand time that , "you are doing good".
But ., i am sorry., i am just not able to convince myself. I have tried to show off to everyone how wonderful i am. I have a decent job , i earn well , i take care of my mother, i am being a good brother , great at work , gets appreciation from managers and colleagues , runs a small business of my own, has made a short film, writes decently ., and so on. But even when i say this , to which everyone , including her,accepts , but yet on the back of my mind , i know that i am not living the life that she is. She may not have any of which mentioned above , but she lives with friends., she lives in Europe(a place which i have always dreamt of being to) , and she parties every week. All that she bothers is about shopping , meeting and partying with friends , trips and so on. Lets take the 'she' off here , as i feel i am blaming her , and lets make it 'they' . Now , if you look at them , they all have a international degree as well , and would obviously end up in a high profile job. Ok , the toughness of getting job and all that crap would be there , but at the end of the day , they would all end up having same or better salary than me.Where as , i have struggled to reach here. I mean , i studied in India, in a engineering college , with a educational loan , where i had to struggle day in and day out , living the ordinary life of any other mid-level college student.I had my own share of fun , but it was nothing like this.One major mistake , one simple yet big mistake that i made on those days , which i feel has turned around my life from good-bad , was the fact that i did not take my campus interviews seriously. One mistake , and it took me about 3 years to recover my life from that single simple mistake.
While i say all this , let me make one more thing clear. If Gods are reading this , please skip. I am very glad about what you have given me from time to time. Good health , good family , good friends , good job , everything.The problem i have has got nothing to do with Gods ., and i sincerely hope that they would forgive me for this sick jealousy that i have developed. Not just Gods , i cant blame anyone . I dont want others, whom i am jealous of., to do bad , i want all to be happy , but still i am so sad that i dont have the happiness that they have.
The way they live , is what i wanted. Living in Europe with guys and gals together , studying in super good college with little work , partying and having fun , and once it ends , get a good job , and settle with family.
So why didnt it happen for me like that ? I am 26 now , and i am almost out of my 'young' ages. These things will not happen to me ever again , i have missed the chance , and it makes me feel more sick.
May be because of the choices i made in life. I always wanted to do everything by my own. And thank God, i have achieved things., but never made it to the heights i wanted.i thought of staying away and being focussed on my career and future , and here i am , at the verge of being an uncle , and looking pathetically back at a young age which could have been well used and enjoyed . What have i gained by being planned and being dedicated and hard working ? What have i gained by taking the tough route than the easy one ? Nothing ! No fucking thing !!
I have lived a tough life , a very tough one where nothing came easy for me. I had to struggle and earn each and everything that i have today. I hate to see others who get it easy. One big question that looms over me day in and day out is "When i have worked harder , better than others .., why do they have a better life than me ?"
However , i have decided to stop whining. It is just making me look even more pathetic. I am going to accept the small life i had/have , and enjoy it to the level best.I know i would never get the life that they are living , but there is nothing much i can do about it now.It was all my decisions/priorities that took me here. I would work hard , and i may achieve something when i am old and ugly , but that i dont think will replace the young life that i have lost.
Thanks to my blog , i feel better now. I hope no one reads this , because i am not sure how people would interpret this. Even if one of you from 'them' reads this , please understand that even though i am jealous of what you have , i would only pray for you to be happy , and wish you to have that forever .
