Love life nostalgia

I am caught in nostalgia today. Love life is the best when it comes to thinking about the past.

I remember this girl from 5th standard.I don't really remember her name or her face , but she definitely fall in to the one of my earliest love interests. She was fair , and..., and that's it. I changed school the next year , and i forgot her.

Then i think i had plenty of love interests. As a matter of fact , i was in love with almost every girl , or rather , i expected at least one of them to have a crush on me.But it never happened , i think they were also thinking the same way. I did flirt even those days, and i am sure many of the girls loved that. But nothing really important happened.I remember a rumor that one of the bad looking girls were in love with me , but there was no proper evidence for that and i was not interested in verifying.

Probably somewhere in 12th standard, is where she would have come. I was dying to flirt those days , but did not really have great chances with a strict and traditional school in Kerala. And then she was there - fair , hot and cute new comer of 11th.I made a bet with my friends on her , and thus it happened. I thought she would not give a damn about me , and would be surrounded by plenty of guys .But it was not so , and it was easy for me.

She had a card shop , which was quite near to my house. I went there once , twice , and i think that did it.I kept it as a secret to my friends , and agreed that i lost the bet.

One day she came to my house and i served her grape juice .This incident broke out in school , and several friends kissed me as they thought she kissed me. I felt like a hero !

And then it happened ,I kissed for the first time in my life. I also did several other things for the first time in my life.

Did i love her ? I don't know , but i am sure neither of us really did knew what the meaning of love is. No one knows , at 18 . It is just a fantasy , a beautiful fantasy(which should happen to everyone). And i am sure we lived in that fantasy ,for 2-3 years. I even went up to the limit of telling both our parents that i wanted to marry her. There had been lot of problems , very much like a movie story, rich girl , big family , threats , and the climax.

The climax is a bit different in this story though . We both moved to Coimbatore for college and then we started to experience a new world of freedom and friends. Frustration kept on piling up inside me about the relationship.I did not like the way she lived and neither did she like mine.I really wanted to break the shackles and live a free life but my 'commitment' did not let me do it.

And thus it happened , one day , she called me and told me that its over. I agreed. We decided to part ways. I felt relieved.

After a week or so , i bought a present for her birthday and called her. It was switched off.

Tried home , friends and every one . No news.

After a few months after her disappearance , i learned that she has ran away with someone .I met her brother whom i thought hated me , but then realised was a fine person. He explained whatever he knew and we decided to do a search for her.

Did i pursue the search for the girl who left me ? No . By that time , i also had left her , and i was sure enjoying my freedom. I started doping and drinking , and many a time blamed it on her , which i now realize was just an excuse.

I loved the fact that i could now sleep with any women, and decided never to fall in love again. My 'sleeping with several women' stories are there in my previous posts. Check it out if you are ready to 'lol' at me.

And thus it ended , my first love. It was followed up with several other 'flings' or short term assignments. My primary requirement was sex ,with some romancing and a little bit of sharing.I always made sure whenever it was about to get serious ,put an end to it and run away from it.

Frankly , i was scared to fall in love.

Then , recently , i decided to change .Is it because i fell heads over heals in love with someone? Is it because love happens to every one ? No , i don't think so . I dont think i am in love even now. But yes ,things have changed. I sometimes wonder if this is yet another practical adjustment that i have made to my life. I am finding it so tough to accept this new phase , but still holding on .

Tired of writing , let 'what happened to me recently' be a surprise , which i will try to cover in another post.

Recreating Magic , can i ?

Couple of years back , when i was in Cochin , Mom got a transfer and i ended being alone at home. I have never known what it was like to be alone till then , but when i got a taste of it , i loved it.

I had everything i wanted , my own space , TV , Internet , kitchen , bike , everything , just for me. No one to bother , no one to watch . I could dance when i want , i could make my own schedules , i could write in peace. Wow !!

Eventually i moved to Chennai , with my friends. I would not say i did'nt enjoy it., but then i always used to cherish those memories of being alone. I would always tell my room mates how wonderful it is to be alone , and they thought i was crazy. But i kept a secret promise to myself to move as soon as i have chance and money.

And thus it happened, i moved last month . Small , neat house. I made sure i had everything like earlier , i wanted to recreate that magic . Even my new job matched my desires , i mostly work on single shifts, where i get to see no one .

I should be loving this , but am i ? What is bothering me now ? Did i get used to being in company ? Is it unnecessary tensions of the career and future ? Is it the girl ?

I want to recreate that magic . I want to be so free .., me and the world , all alone ... I want to write beautiful stories. I want to read them again and again , and fall in love with them , and then hate them. I want to study networking , i want to drink listening to soft music, send smokes towards the skies. I want to swim , i want to love people around me .I want to cook , and eat it all by myself ...

Will i recreate the magic?

I dont write any more.

I cant write anymore . I really cant. Its been about 6 months since i have written a short story. I started many after that, but never completed any. I lack in ideas , creativity , enthusiasm. I have always believed that writing is my true passion, but has it died in me ?

3 years back when i started this blog i had lot of people asking me about it,appreciating and encouraging. Today , it has become more like goverment agency which has been run for none. But , for past 2 years or so (when this degradation started) ,i have been living with my friends , and never really had a personal space or peace of mind to sit back and write.However , i have moved recently , and i have put a hold to alcohol.I hope this change will help me to get back to writng ., i dont care if any one reads this , but i want to write , write and write ..

Changing my blog template due to superstition or for the feel of a new begining.

Cheers